Yeah, Na...

I love hearin good news. Doesn't everyone?

Na, been cheered up heaps. Specially with all the bullshit goin on at the moment.

Yeah, can't wait till next weekend. Should be heaps of fun.

Na, thanks heaps n heaps for the good news. Lets hope from now till next weekend goes really really fast.

I love it.

Hey, got any Nirvana on ya?

My little terrier.

Ok mate....

Uh?

Ive got $3.83 right?

Right.

I need meat and cheese yeh?

Yeh.

So....Im walkin down the aisles yeh?

Uh huh. Go on.

Bi-Lo.

Ooooooo.

And I grab stewing meat for $1.80 (urgent sale needed). Meat is on the blue side.

I see.

And then I spot Kraft Singles, but they arent Kraft at all....on special for kids bones....$0.90....

Done mate.

You'd think so....In the distance glowing like a rock I spot the mother of all bargains....Cheese and meat combined.

Price?

$3.05

Shags! I never. What did you do?

I dropped me singles and steak to the floor and pounced upon my own.

By own you mean rissoles with a cheese center?

Never a truer word spoken my friend.

And...?

I took them home where upon the cooker I did place and burnt them to a crisp lest there be an infection amongst their numbers...

And...?

And my little terrier...I ate them center and all.

The quality?

Terrible my friend. The cheese was that of a young boys sneeze and the meat was telling lies.

How so?

It were not meat at all but something built of glue.

Oh Shags....

Oh my little buddy.

(Long pause.)

cash grab?

Let's do it.

Cash grab!

Lick a snake cake

Finished it all of with a kit kat mate..

A kit kat?

Yep mate. Now me guts is full of all sorts a goodies. Ooooo mate. A
little capernicus, a little jimmy ju ju and the mother of all
capsicums.

Oh Isaw Isonn you are a gator raple.

BV? What you say giddy gie gie?

Licky what chap?

Say bout me widdy woo wup?

Oh mate I say to you mate about your guts within.

Oh I am sorry Bivvy Whacknow. I thought you do make a sample mate...

A sample of the good one Simmy?

Simmy. Ha! Beauty Form.

I know I couldnt believe it mate. Straight before my eyes. Like a snake.

Jisu! Like a snake.

Lick a snake cake. Make me one.

Gruffed

Hello mate.

Hello mate.

How are you mate?

Very good thanks mate. How are you mate?

Yes very good mate. Thanks mate. How are you?

Good thanks mate. Thanks mate. Ahhhh....Listen last night I saw a women in a singlet gripping a can of lager and ahhhh...Listen mate. It was cold. A wind with a severe chill in it was a howlin and a blowin...Bringing the boots of cars down onto the heads of men no less...

Jesus mate. And you say she was only in a singlet?

Yes mate. Scared the pants right offa me mate....She was ahhhh inquiring as to the whereabouts of Bell St mate?

Yes mate? Go on...

Well mate I told her she was miles off and she gruffed at me mate.

Gruffed?

Yep...Straight at me mate. Gruff. So I pointed out the bend she needed to round and off she mosied mate as if it were a summers night down at the boulevard. Her forehead angry as a dwarf...

Mate. That night was cold I tells ya...

Yes mate. I remember.

Interview

Hello.

Do I know you?

Are you famous?

Have we shared a dance?

Have you seen my silly faces?

Do you have a silly face?

Does your bottom lip touch your nose?

Do you have teeth?

You're beautiful?

I can't see you.

I have forgotton everything...

Hulls and Sails

Hey mate.

Oh hi. You still workin with yachts?

Yes mate. Everyday. What we do is yachts. All day everyday. Anything to do with yachts is our business. Yachts mate. It's what we do.

Ahhh ok mate. Good to know. Im in need of a sail. Can ya help me?

No mate. Sails we dont do.

Oh. Ok. Id have thought sails were a major part of the yacht business no?

Yes mate.

What yes?

Yes they are a major part of the yacht business but we dont touch them. No money in sails mate.

Right then. Well, I tell ya what, smashed a huge hole in me hull on Sundee mate. and I was wondering if you..

We dont touch hulls mate.

No hulls?

Nope.

No sails?

Uh uh. Sails and hulls mate we dont touch..

I seeeeee.....You ahhhhh..sorry mate...Im not sure where to go next?

Anything to do with yachts mate. Go ahead. We are your first port of call....

Ummm. We have a bunk down below in the sleeping quarters that could use a new rung in the ladder?

Done and dusted mate. New rung in ladder leading to top bunk, done. Yachts mate. You gotta love em.

Yessss. Listen, could you recommend anyone to take a look at the hull and sail?

Ooooooooaa, that's a toughy champ. You could try 'Hulls and Sails' in the city...Might be able to help ya out.

Hulls and sails ey? Yep. Ill give them a go. Maybe Ill hold off on the ladder champ.

Oh...Sure. Rung on ladder on hold...Sure.

What?

Ahhh nothing, just sort of seems like you extracted the information you needed from me to get your yacht fixed and then shut me down with the whole ladder thing and Im....well. Never mind. Just feel a little....

Confused?

Yeh...Used, confused. You name it. I feel it.

Sad?

Nope not sad.

Wopsy

What a beautiful day! Wonderous clear formula for thought...A stiff southerly blows my hair northbound..And I must say I am looking the goods.

A young man yells out of his ute, get a real bike you fuckin shiela...Stunned out of my bliss, I return fire albeit a little late with, it's a family bike ya fuckin redneck. I look for brake lights..None forthcoming, we mark that one down as a victory. Best take a side street just to be safe...He's probably wondering why I returned fire with a compliment..

Round the back of Nichloson St faceless factories watch me cruise by cautiously. Them, not me. I am Isaw Isonn and there is nothing cautious about me. Pedal-mania here. Im gunna whip and strip all day. Watch me. A whip whip here and a strip whip there. Here a whip, there a whi

Shit. The ute. Faceless factory. Ute pulling in. Pale hateful face that hasnt seen the sun in so long sees me. Isaw Isonn. Dreaded calm comes over me. He's big and reckless and from the suburbs. I am too so I can spot em a mile off....Joe? Shit, I bet it's a Darren...Nickname..'Wopsy' The kind of nickname only a tough guy can pull off. Actually he cant pull it off, it's a name for a fuckin rabbit, but no one can tell him that. One guy did... I can see it all now.. Oustide the Shamrock...Biting ears off at the hot dog van, pounding flesh mate...My flesh!! He loves the taste of it.

By the time Isaw Isonn, whom by the way has had his cautiousness reinstated by the ute that looks like an over sized jetski cruises past, Wopsy is just getting out of his ute.

My heart is a fat banana...What was it my ma said about seeing that line in yer head and not crossing over it? Shit that was in relation to me mooning me uncle..Not gunna help now.

Silent cruising. Not looking but feeling the air around me....

Where'd ya get that family bike?

Ivanhoe Bikes. Free first up service....

Bracing for the stray piece of concrete to be hurled like a Croydon North long gully (youve lost your drive Wopsy), footsteps spaced together like a Lilydale seconds hack (give up the fags Woppers), I pedal like a goose doth paddle ...With incredible grace yet amazing efficiency...

Upon reaching the workshop, BV greets me with a packet of frozen peas at the ready.

I take a seat in the shop, and place them peas upon my burning thighs.

Time for a game mate? he says paddle in hand.

I got none..