Graveyard playlist 3RRR 102.7fm

Despite the exhaustion that set in due to an accumulated lack of sleep
this was alotta lotta fun.

Go here for the playlist if you dig.

Thanks

A simple purchase turned sour

Use ye olde English speaking voice whilst reading this number (lots of dignified pauses and shit):

Today whilst making a rather straightforward purchase
from a modern day auto-barn type of retailer I happen-stanced
upon an ogre of a man. A wobbling bowl of putty one might describe it as.

He manned the counter no less.

I was making an enquiry in regards to a nut found wanting
on the right rear tyre of my princely Subaru....He was in the
midst of assisting with my request when a woman of substantial looks
did pull up beside me at the counter and engage another shop
assistant with indeed her own purchase.

I took little notice, as I was preoccupied with my own agenda
as I like to think all other's are and should be! I digress.

The woman in question promptly made her purchase, turned and exited the
shoppery. Whence upon I looked at my ogre as he leered at me and spake the words....

I'd give her one.

Indeed not so much spake, but rather grunted as if a possum would upon defecating....
A sound fit for no one I assure you unless you are a possum of course.

Indeed Im sure you would my fat friend. Im sure you would.

However the questions begs to be asked does it not Chunkworthy, would she, this lady minding her own affairs, attractive in her own right and with her whole life before her even get so close to you as to smell your festering sores? Let alone....let you Jabba, give her as you so tenderly put it...... one?

We thinkest not my wobbling bowl of jelly. We thinkest not.

So with your recent remark still ringing in my ears why dont you scoot home, get that stinking pippy of yours
out of its old jockey and stick it in what you Australian's love to call a 4 'n' 20 ey?

Mind you only spin it for 2 minutes this time. Three minutes always scolds doesnt it Titties?

There's a lad.
Run along now Jabba

Hello Silence. Tell me how you're doin...

Silence speaks up for the first time this year.

I don't care when or where this is, I'm going to find it. You guys in?

Your mother's run away to France

Not one for recreating lyrics as it so often
spoils the magic, and if James Reyne had done so on his '88 single
my mum would never have belted out ' Your mother's run away to France'

However.... this number is worth
every word, nay, every letter being cast in gold.

Look at me, I'm a train on a track
I'm a train, I'm a train, I'm a chucka train, yeah
Look at me, got a load on my back
I'm a train, I'm a train, I'm a chucka train, yeah

Look at me, I'm going somewhere
I'm a train, I'm a train, I'm a chucka train, yeah
Look at me, I'm going somewhere
I'm a train, I'm a train, I'm a chucka train, yeah

Been a hard day, yes, it has been a hard day
Yes, it has been a hard day, yes, it has
I'm a train, I'm a chucka train, I'm a chucka train
I'm a train, I'm a chucka train, chucka train, yeah

Look at me, I'm a train on a line
I'm a train, I'm a train, I'm a chucka train, yeah
Look at me for the very last time
I'm a train, I'm a train, I'm a chucka train, yeah

It's been a life that's long and hard
I'm a train, I'm a train, I'm a chucka train, yeah
I'm going down to the breaker's yard
I'm a train, I'm a train, I'm a chucka train, yeah

Been a hard day, yes, it has been a hard day
Yes, it has been a hard day, yes, it has
I'm a train, I'm a chucka train, I'm a chucka train
I'm a train, I'm a chucka train, chucka train, yeah

It's been a life that's long and hard
I'm a train, I'm a train, I'm a chucka train, yeah
Going down to the breaker's yard
I'm a train, I'm a train, I'm a chucka train, yeah

Been a hard day, yes, it has been a hard day
Yes, it has been a hard day, yes, it has
I'm a train, I'm a chucka train, I'm a chucka train
I'm a train, I'm a chucka train, I'm a chucka train
I'm a train, I'm a chucka train, I'm a chucka train
I'm a train, I'm a chucka train

I'm a train
I'm a train
I'm a, I'm a, I'm a train
I'm a train
I'm a train.

The school year begins

You wouldn’t believe it….
Nicoles in a different class.
There’s no sign of Swamp Rat
And I’ve been split up from me mates.
Michaels raving about his damn trip to Disneyland and all I have to compare are the slush puppies at Seaspray
And… I’ve ended up with Mrs Dykestra…
This could be a long year if I don’t do something about it…

Take me back home- an email exchange

Morning boss.

What's the name and whereabouts of your kids childcare mate?
Gott get mine in for a day here and there.

Sniffle

Oh morning mate

Gee, first day back… Depressing mate. Even the sun don’t help…

OK, so my kids care is Chimneys – it’s a part of the Uni just up over Bright St on Nicholson St. Mate I don’t know how it fairs in the big scheme of things but it seems ok. We did a lot of investigating and checked out a bunch of joints and found it was the best one we saw… Me kid accepts it but doesn’t really like it – I don’t know if that’s a sign or if kids don’t like child care in general…? Sometimes I wonder if she could tell me how she feels she’d just say ‘the place sucks dad’. But you know what it’s like mate when you’re a kid… You end up in the strangest places and there’s nothing you can do about it hey…


Perfect. Thanks bossie.

Not just as a kid...as an adult too mate.
Life is one long time of being stuck in places
you dont want to be in and cant get out of.

Basically whenever we see our mums
we are saying ...get me out of here.

Sweet


Exactly.

Boss I’ve been thinking about the whole concept this morning heading to work… Strangest morning I’ve had in years… Dropping me kid off where she doesn’t want to be and then heading to a place I don’t want to be… The wind, the sun made it all crazy. A typical first day back at school. So lonely mate.

I was with me mum on the weekend checking out beds for me little kid… I nearly turned around to her and said forget the bed for the kid ma – I want one – take me back home.

Better

Listen Weather Im ahhhh...really sorry bout how I lost it yesterday.
I was just so tired and couldnt see the light at the end of the you know what.

I feel bad. Especially as I can see you're trying.
It's just that I have these strong feelings that overwhelm me
and they flip on themselves so quickly before I realise Ive lost it. You know?

Know what I mean?

Kinda like when you are all hot and summery
and shit and then maybe bam! you've started a shrubbery fire that's got way out of hand
and then you think, shit, sorry, here Ill sprinkle a little rain before that shrubbery is no more...

That's kinda what happened. I cant promise I wont do it again, but I will keep in mind that
we're all human (except you) and we are just trying to get by yeh?

Sorry mate. Feel bad.

Thanks for today anyway. Have a nice day.
(maybe drop the hot northerly if poss by the time I gotta ride home)

Us xxx

(Long Pause)

Im wary of dissing the weather. I know we are all enduring this together and that
some of you retards actually prefer this to 40 degree days. I know the weather isnt listening
to a single complaint, and if in fact it was it takes great pleasure in fucking with my, our, summer.

When I was younger.....

Oh there you go, interrupts the weather.... When I was younger the weather was this,
when I was younger the weather was that.
For God's sake shut the fuck up and take it like a man, or a woman.
Just stop pissing and fucking moaning cos it's a little bit colder
than years gone by. Joel. Shut the fuck up. Ok?

But I...

Uh! I said shut the fuck up.

(Pause)

(Long Pause)

Did the weather just tell me to shut the fuck up? Stop pissing and moaning?
What the....? The fuckin weather, who's ruined my summer, my January, my day...seriosuly just
told me to stop fucking moaning? Did it?!!!!!

Why you...dirty little mother fucker, if I had a chair Id smash it into tiny little pieces all over your face weather.
You hear that motherfucking soft cock weather? Ey?!!!! You hear that?!! That's right you shitty little piece of
shit, who cant stay hotter than 32 degrees for more than 2 days in a row without reverting to 21 and mild and cloudy
and the best you can fucking do you piece of shit is have sunny little breaks and.... last night being Saturday night and you know it's the night when people like to party, you know I havent been out for a fucking month and wont get the chance to again, you turn on a freezing fucking night and zap the joy out of everyone's heart, just because you can and you cant hack, you piece of shit it being to hot cos it's too hard you poor little baby?

Hey?!!!!! You tellin me to stop whineging you scrawny little bastard. You???? Me????

Get the fuck out of my sight and until you can man up just a little bit and supply me with a motherfucking hot fortnight whereby when i arise at 6 am it is already to hot for clothes only to be unbearable by 10 am and unthinkable by 2pm, day in and day out for a fortnight and then I want 3 days of tropical storms, not wintery ones, tropical storms you utter git, then I dont want to hear shit from you you bastard. And if you dare even look at me or speak to me about whingeing, even look sideways at me until you produce the goods that Ive been waiting for you are fucking dead you cunt.

(Silence)

(Long pause and some puffing)

I need help.

Chin down, face only you bastards.

I am very tired and not a little unhappy with my tummy.
Just copped a photo from Halloween where Im mopped out
on the floor in a stripy little number. Legs akimbo.

Torso safely tucked away or so I thought.
Well...the face is alright I thinks to meself.

But lurching out from under the pink and blue pinstripes
of my evening fodder is a gut that's been spared to much hard work.

Spills it does. Cascades if you will...

Ive thought about the gym, joined it once or twice but I dont like the company.
Nor do I appreciate some whinny from Warranwood telling me which areas of
my bodice need attention and what specifically that attention should be. Take your
shimmering cross trainers and get.

So if not the gym, a job?

Office bound.

Ride to the office?

Good for only thighs. Thighs aint in many pictures.....

No. I shall just have to be more careful when those bright lights flash
to tuck my tummy away. No fabric can be trusted. No angle to flattering.

From here on it's chin down, face only you bastards.

Literally

It's been some time since we've been afforded such liberal literacy.
Literally.

Pigs. In there?

The Party Crashes

Hi everyone. It's 2012. We've been on hiatus which is just finishing up now.
Been lovely, most of it. Some of it, we just thought to ourselves....gee we have to get out.
See the night life. But then the weather turns on you, just when you're turning towards it.

Or someone fails sleep school. Or the laundry is in such a state that if you were to go out...
You'd be betraying your laundry.

Or you think, Ill get everyone together to let off a little steam.
That never works.

Or you think, Ill start up a business where we hire ourselves out
to dance at parties. You think of a motto even...

'From Croydon to Caulfield, birthdays to bashes we are the party crashes.'

And you ring up BV and tell him about the idea. You had it on the way down to the beach
whilst Vega was hitting its straps, window down, pale arm getting red in the still hot, low sun....

It's hard to get ahead. Isnt it? Hard to get your ideas off the ground....So many of them. Some of them terrible.
Some grand. I mean you just end up pouring a whisky and tending to the laundry...don't you?

Dont you?

I do.

It's very nice to be back. Really really nice.
Hello everyone.

From SMR