Basically...

I saw Isaw and he saw me.
He saw she saw and she saw Isaw
And I saw she saw but did she see me?


...I've lost it

Witchdragon

Saturday night right? It's 3am and I lost BV round 10pm just after we smashed a couple of fish fingers (birdseye- cos they've got the highest protein content), anyhoo I stumble into this party where everyone is wearing thai fisher pants. All kinds of wrong. I can smell this weird smell though, and even though I'm tripping off my head I know that Ive got to get to the source of that smell..I'm walking through all kinds of dark rooms sealed off by curtains, each room with it's own tape recorder blaring out Jimi, The Doors...You know the deal.

I'm getting closer to the smell. Outside in the backyard is a giant shed, like the kind me uncle used to breed quail in. Bit of a surprise this shed in a suburban backyard. Roasted goat is on the twirl I can tell. Smells like when you burn fetta....

I slide open the double doors and low and behold a full circle of people, seated watching some kind of witch/dragon performing a belly dance with no belly to speak of whilst this comes out of some gold plated stereo suspended from the roof. It's a fuckin trip and I'm gettin scared. Everyone's in a juju trance and I'm startin to have those fish fingers repeat on me. Sober as a judge now....

The music winds down only to wind back up again and Witchdragon is starting to derobe..... First the curtain wrapped round her tummy, next the Jesus sandals and finally the God awful mask th.......

OMG! It;s BV! BV! BV!, I shout...

He looks all weird and shit. I want the mask back on BV. You're scaring me and I'm only a kid BV. He walks over to one of the circle sitters and picks up a cloth, handing it to me.

Put it on Isaw......Put it on.....

Momentum of toke.

No fuckin way! BV is at the edge of every photo he is in. Im going to see him tonight down at the barnyard and we're gunna light a big stack of hay, wrap it in newspaper and set fire to it with a lantern and...yes, and....we are gunna smoke that haystacker and blow ourselves into the nearest guinea pig yard with the momentum of the toke!

This will be blaring outta me Ma's speakers while the whole covert operation unravels. Here's to ya lungs cunt. Opiate Sun.....

Swooooiiiit

Breaking with tradition

Every now and then we put down our tools and break with tradition here at smiley mcslidey. This is one of those times....

The Tote Hotel in Melbourne, Thursday 17th December, Eagle and the Worm smoke the joint out. Come suck balls with the rest of us. It'll be rad.

Coming...

Isolation

It's getting cold in here...They've turned off our gas. BV is cooking beans with his lighter and I'm reading, 'One good man is not a houswife' by the light of a flickering street light....

Cold and lonely and looking for real estate.... This shit flows the right way.

Peace out.

Rule of chicken

I'm baking mate. Constantly got headaches cos I cant get shit done. The heat is abnormal and intense and my chickens are starting to peck at each others chests! One's got a pink bald spot where he used to have feathers.

So BV suggested we invite him for a cup of tea. You know....get him out of the kitchen and away from the trouble. So we three are sitting there enjoying a nice cup of caffeine free tea when all of a sudden it dawns on me....Remember when at school you'd spot the dork and out of the compassion of your own good heart you'd reach out to that dork and his chess board and say hey mate....you wanna play tiggy? His face'd light up and all of a sudden the world and all it's stars aligned and everything was illuminated.

The game of tiggy ensued and your other mates would be quietly destroyed that you'd bought Loren into the fold. Why not let him just lean against his locker so we can throw apples at him Isaw? You're fucking with the natural order of things....

But Isaw Isonn out of the goodness of his own heart thought differently...

Anyhow as the game of tiggy ensued, you started to watch it all go askew..Loren would say something obtuse and you'd laugh as if he was being ironic. Next, Loren would make some weird animal noise when he was it! Now it's all you can do to not hurl an apple at the stupid cunt yourself. Fuck me Loren I'm giving you a shot here and you re impersonating a mia cat!

Well....so it is with the chicken my friend.. The lesson we learnt here at smiley mcslidey was to not fuck with the natural order of things, plucked chicken breast or no plucked chicken breast.

Best leave it alone.

BV.... Watcha gunna play for me today?

Ooooooooooo......

Let's get loaded! Chicken..your shout!

Everyone's talking about it

Fuck man. I been stretchin and wretchin for one whole day and me fingers are fucked. Cut up by wire and shit. Itsinstereo flung me the work and Im grateful. Real grateful, but then the bastards who own Stretch n Wretch ring me up and say, they loved my ways and we'll give ya sixteen dollars an hour! Suck my fat one you cheap dime store hoods.

"Im back BV...."

"New you wouldn't last Isaw"

"Yeh...But I found this on me way home and it tickles me insides boss. I wanna see it. I wanna see it real bad. Smells like an ear....."

Chuckle

Here comes the....

Check this out.

Go fuck yaself if you already have. We don't do new. We just do good.

You kinda think this is gunna get all scottish twee on your ass but then you realise these people are playing hard and fast. Listen to the bass behind the schizzle....

BV is cacking himself.

"Stop playin with your mouse BV!"

I've lost him.

Boneless Fish

"I cant do this no more BV. We need a bit of luck."

BV is busy making one of his delicious sandwiches which is his way of saying I aint listening to you Isaw Isonn.

"Pull yaself together."

I know what he means too. I have to.

He brings his plate over to me and offers me one of his salmon sangas. I take one and pull open the sandwich and begin by deboning the salmon.

Why do fish have bones BV? Do they really need them? I mean....they don't walk do they? They just swim about in water and god knows Ive seen people without bones who have had serious accidents and shit getting around in water without bones so why cant a fish?

Bombed Village looks up from his rabbit plate and I just know Ive got him. Ive stumped him! He spits out his salmon roll and raises his eyes towards mine. I can see him smiling even before he's started.

"Of course! Why didn't we think of this sooner? A fish without bones?! It'll be massive boss! Fuckin massive. All those kids who are scared of fish cos they've got so many bones in them and then BOOM!.... along comes smiley mcslidey with a boneless fish. He'd look so cute wobbling through the water without his bones, and then he gives a little tug on your line, you reel him up and bang goes nanna...wack him in your sandwich. Light on the bones, so you can slam it down fast.

We are fucking genius.

I'm spending up big BV. Real big. This is guaranteed.

Fresh outta cash.

'BV....BV! For god's sake get your head out of that bin. We've got work to do. Did you know we havent made a cent for over three years and everything we've bought in that time we've paid for in tin? Jesus man it just occurred to me that we should start charging money for fixing peoples things when they bring them into this god forsaken workshop.....'

'What's wrong Isaw?'

'I lost alot of money yesterday BV. '

BV walked over to me very quietly knowing what my last comment meant and how broken I really was and he said very gently....

'So did I Isaw...so did I.'

He meandered over to the ghettoblaster which had stopped working since we had our power cut. He pulled out 6 of the fat batteries from the dresser draw nearby and inserted them into his face. I mean into the boombox. He looked at me like he was gunna jump, and flicked the switch.

'Never learned in being sad', he said.....

Sad sad snaffle...

Crystal Clear

'Turn up the leaf' i'd say to Isaw Isonn. He would, the buzz would intensify and we'd head bang some more. Heavy!!! Everything was.

I was almost nervous when Isaw came over to help me pull the old leaf out of the radio. What if I don't get that same feeling?

I didn't.

I turned this on and got shivers! Stood still and fixed my eyes on the leafless radio. Can you hear that Isaw?!!!


...they'll just never get old.