Shifting Shadow

Im very emotional today. Weak at the knees as though someone has a big bag of dry cotton wool they are about to cover me in and scribble on recycled paper with an old dried out posca....Frightened.

I didnt want to go to work today. The 'shifting shadow' is about and it's my turn to lay low...and I know it. But I, unlike Sam Pickles cant deal with the waiting, and the knowing. I prefer to pretend that times like these dont exist until they do....And they do, whether figments of an imagination or whether as real as the shadow they cast....

A long time ago our friend Shinny Two Shoes bought this round to our garage and said, 'check the bit where she holds that note into the next line' We checked it alright. We had no work, no prospects, no cash, no prospects and certainly no cash but we checked it and NOW it's the first thing we put on in our workshop...Our workshop that works that is....It's a great thing to see ya mate come up to ya and say this does it for me and then to go back to him and say it did it for us too....

Years ago....Fuckin years ago mate. What? Am I crying...?

No one sees me.

In the rush I have been left behind. My greatest fear. No one is looking back to see if I am coming, which I am not. I am too unorganised to be on this trip. I havent the boots for it. I havent the equipment and all my peers are trekking off ahead with their can openers, lilos, and mosquito nets. Mummy only packed me explorers and my asthma pump. Mummy?

Jesus, she is miles away. I cant even tell if we are in the same state. I remember crossing a large river that came up to our doors and that may as well have been the border.

The teacher is a right cow and little do either of us know Ill catch her purely by accident later this weekend in an uncompromising position, that wont do my relationship with her any good at all.

I am truly fucked.

Up ahead, friends are making friends and organising who's to sleep in whose tent whilst I am on my knees desperately trying to lengthen the straps on my back pack. Ive possibly soiled myself after one to many m&m's on the bustrip and my wallet is wet from my cordial bottle (NB: not my canteen) leaking slowly from Wangaratta (the last time I used it). Oh, even my church going friend who's supposedly trained for this very moment of selflessness is making plans with Gus the snail to team up for the lilo run. He saw me in trouble and thought....fuck it mate. I aint touchin that! I do not blame him. He paid for that later on.

I sleep in a tent seeped in spew with a man as trustworthy as a fart. I am cold. My sleeping bag would not zip up in the dark. I resolve to make it through to dawn. Asthma has set in, whether due to stress or cold who can say?

The great outdoors is an understatement. I am truly fucked out here with these people whom I am to spend the next 6 years getting to know.

Dawn breaks with me hanging on to a sapling above the 'pit' taking care of business. Sapling says 'fuck you mate. I want nothing to do with you' and snaps, leaving me to crab walk my way over an entire camps shit to safety. I look around to see who saw Isaww......

Noone as far as I can tell. And that's just the problem. No one sees me.

Jeems?

Jeems? Jeeeeems? Where aaaaaaaaare yooooooooou?

Jeems? Where have you been?

Playing fiddle mummy....

Jeems!

The inner workings of a bakery...

A touching thought-piece from Silence. Go ahead Silence.....

I find most things to be somewhat disappointing. Not heartbreakingly or tragically so, most things I experience are simply not quite enough.

I tried to remember my earliest disappointment, attempted to track the origin of my unfulfilled search for satisfaction, and there it was........ Playschool.

Everytime one of those overexcited grown ups told me it was time to look through the ‘windows’ I would feel the excitement building. ’Which window will it be today?

To be completely honest I didn’t give a shit, it was what was on the other side that mattered to me, the unseen, the inspiration, the potential life changing experience. Every single time I had faith in the window to change my day, my life.

But every single time I was let down, left feeling cheated, bored, unsure. Except this one time when ‘they’ revealed to me the inner workings of a bakery. This is what I wanted, needed.

This is what keeps me searching...........

Searching in Silence.


Well Silence....It would seem you have too have experienced the heartache of promise? And at such an early age....My friend, you are an optimist yes? Ahhhhh how often BV and myself have uttered the phrase...'Oooooo optimism why do you taunt us so?' Silence you are welcome within these four walls whenever it doth suit you. Here you will find BV on his kness, hash-pipe betwixt gums and my good self chapping at the bit...We've succumbed to madness and it flows through our veins like love doth an empty heart.

All hail people......The god of unleavened bread is upon us blessing and cursing us with his manna from on high.

I've got one...

Ok ok. Now drape off a room. Change the clear light bulbs for red ones and pump this.

That's it.

Have a few more cans and put this one on next.

Trippin?

I've got one. Check it.

Here's one.

Put this on.

Sing it.

One more...?

Sick.

Best party i've been to in years mate.

Bet your donkey on it

I worked on this job once right?

There was this dude who fucked me over continually so bad by getting me to do the shittest and most impossible jobs that he could find.

Why the instant dislike of me? I mulled it over and over as I carried ancient oak desks up flights and flights of stairs on my lonesome......

I mulled for days. Back breaking days end on end.

Then I stopped mulling it over.

I started mulling something else over and over in my head.

How could I get this man back so bad that he would never want to encounter me again...Hard labour does strange things to even the purest of hearts :0

Sometimes you just have to come out and say to someone who is keeping you down 'excuse me sir/madam but Im not sure if you realised, but your actions are making my life very difficult and Id appreciate a change in your behavior. Thanks for your understanding.'

Then there are other times where one must, absolutely must come up with a plan that is so conceited that it would disappoint your own mother if you were to tell her.

Now it's true..No one reads this blog. No one ever will....But I came up with a plan to bring down my man. It involved two screws, a screwdriver, an expensive desk and a phonecall. And for those of you who lack imagination...NO I did not hurt his person....I did not lay a finger on it.....

I did something that I.....that I......(giggle giggle giggle. BVs cackin himself)

I taught him not to assume that those working under us are under us.

Did he learn from it? Doubt it.

Did I? Bet your donkey I did